Lately I have been lacking a lot of energy. I know that there are some legitimate reasons as to why. One being pregnant and two being two little toddlers running around our little home. But it doesn't stop me from becoming frustrated once in awhile. I have talked before about my struggle with wanting to be the perfect homemaker, and usually not meeting the expectations that I have put on myself. I have had to accept in the past few weeks that right now I can only do so much and the rest will need to wait. I have been trying very hard to keep my attitude positive, and for the most part I do try to look for the good things even if I don't see them right away. There are times though that I ask God "what do I do about this?" What do I do about all the chores that seem to never completely get finished and what to do about the weakness that overcomes me?
Right now everything is fine as it can be, and the doctor told me that as of right now I am on no official restrictions. She did tell me to know my limits, and that I should know when I'm doing too much and pushing myself too hard. So I was thankful that I was still at a point where I was not restricted, and I was so happy to see the baby in an ultrasound and see that strong movements and heartbeats. But I feel fear creeping up on me sometimes in the back of my mind. That this time it may be even harder and more dangerous than last time. That I won't be able to do it this time, and something will happen.
So luckily I have been able to listen to my radio programs lately. I heard a talk about Gideon and his doubt. I love the character of Gideon in the Bible, because I have some of the same weaknesses. Lack of faith and scared to move ahead into the unknown. But he came to a place where he trusted God and was victorious against the people who were oppressing his people. Like Gideon I get so scared that I say "Really God? Then you're going to have to show me." I get held back so many times by my fear, that I miss out on what God wanted to do through me and the blessings that come with it. It's not always easy to see what I do as a real exciting way to serve. Many women try to find their meaning in other things because they don't see the importance in where God has them now. That it's a privilege to be able to stay home and raise your kids. So us moms we join groups or find part time jobs to find some sort of meaning. Not that it's wrong to find a part time or to join groups, it's just the importance we place on these things. Trying to find our meaning in things rather than in God. So I strive to find my meaning in Christ and be thankful that for right now I can be home with my kids. And now that I am struggling in what I feel God has called me too, wife, mother, homemaker, I get down.
This morning, though, I see that God is not looking for perfection, and that we all are weak compared to Him. That in my weakness He is strong, and He wants me to give Him the credit and glory for that. So when I do have little successes at home and with my kids it's not me who did anything but Him who moved and worked. So although I will still try my hardest to get through the Mt. Everest of clothing, clean the dirty dishes and change the dirty diapers it ultimately is Jesus who gives me the strength to get up in the morning and live at all. My home will never be on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens, but my life and my family's life are in His hands. What better place for a home to be?
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