The last few days have been hard, and not in the usual way. I have been struggling within myself. I always have a million things running through my head at once and sometimes all those things cause my brain to crash and my emotions are not long behind. I had also realized the need to change and apologize to my husband for the attitude that I have had towards him. It wasn't exactly horrible but I know that I was more on the nagging side than not. I knew that I was being that way, but for some reason every time I promised God that I would do better something would happen and my mouth was running. There just seems like so much to do, and I just seem so incompetent to do any of it. I have no idea how other mothers just have it, and then there are people like me who feel sometimes like they're living in the foreign land of "Homemaking".
In college and even high school, I was pretty involved in like youth group and then navigators. I went on mission trips and helped plan events. Then I went from being extremely busy outside from my home to being at home and being extremely busy. The difference is you don't get to go home at the end of the day or for the weekend. You are home. And that little chore that you forgot to do will not be done by someone else. Believe me I've tried ; ). Last night I came to an understanding that I was not exactly glorifying God by my actions or by my thoughts. I had read Philippians 1:1-30. I have heard probably a million times the verse "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain" But I suddenly saw it new. Paul starts that passage with "Yes, and I will rejoice" Then he talks about how whether he is here in body or with Christ that God will be glorified. "...That with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body AS ALWAYS whether by life or by death." As always? In my case that is not a true statement, but in Paul's case it was. He was in prison but he didn't care because it didn't matter where he was or what happened to him. He was at peace with the way his life was and where he stood with the Father.
I read this story about a woman who has, I don't know, a ton of kids and her husband was a pastor. Anyway, they had like four kids in like four years. Before they'd had kids they had been in a traveling ministry where she felt very fulfilled. She stayed at home while her husband had two jobs and went to seminary also. They lived in a two bedroom apartment. She said it was pretty much a mess all the time, and she felt very lonely, stressed and that her life had not as much meaning. She had tried to get babysitters for her kids to join certain ministries but no one would watch them for her because they themselves were too busy. She hit low and said she would go several weeks without opening her bible and here she would be a pastors wife soon.
But then as she prayed to God one day about her situation and the feelings of worthlessness, she realized that she did have a ministry. It was being at home with her kids, and being a wife. It was living a life worthy of the gospel even when at home, and just as a missionary is called to serve somewhere when you become a mom that is where God has called you. It looks different for everyone, but she said that she was just in a season of her ministry. She could have other women over that felt the same, and she could embrace this time with her kids because it would not last. I felt like she was talking to me when I read that. I knew that there were times that I did not see my time at home as a ministry. I love my kids and there is no other place I want to be than with them as they grow, but there are times when I don't see how God is really using me. When the kids are fussy and I'm just so tired I feel like laying in bed for hours, I have realized that I can rely on God for the strength to carry on. When I don't sit through more than ten minutes of church because my kids are having a hard time in nursery, I need to see that as time to love on my kids and remember it's only a season in life. I know it all sounds so much easier than it is, and I am no where near being this way. But I do have the hope that someday, through God's power, that I can see my life as glorifying the Lord no matter if I'm in some sort of women's ministry leadership position or just at home telling my kids about Jesus.
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